LOVE LOVE is a two-part dialogue series written by Tina Henriksson. The two dialogues 'Love as beauty without any dirt or darkness in it' and 'Longing' discuss trust and vulnerability (love inevitably) and they take part in clubs in Berlin, year 2019
LOVE LOVE
pt. 2
Longing
A man and a woman in their late twenties who met for the first time seven years earlier in a country across the globe, have recently had their second encounter. It was a successful one, and so, they decided to go dancing together that same weekend.
It’s early Monday morning in September, Berlin, year 2019. The summer is coming to an end. Since the two arrived at the club about ten hours prior to this moment, they’ve been enjoying each others company, the music and the atmosphere, and now they thrive in a conversation they didn’t know they’d both longed for, for a long time. They sit in a corner, resting their bodies against the cool concrete wall behind them while the music’s aggressively pounding from downstairs.
HE: Have you ever experienced a moment which you felt was of a deep spiritual nature? Like you were in touch with a higher existence, like a moment you felt was holy in a way, if you know what I mean?
SHE: Yes, for sure. I’ve had a few of those. Definitely.
HE: Would you like to share one of those moments with me?
SHE: Sure, I mean, to be honest, the first one that comes in mind is the orgasm. For me, having an orgasm is very spiritual.
HE: Yes - -
SHE: But other than that, sometimes, very seldom, but once in a while I find myself being in a state of extreme sensitivity, where I feel I’m on a different frequency, so to speak, and I’m open to perceive the world’s soul in a way. It coincides mostly during or after taking drugs though - -
HE: But that’s alright, same goes for me.
SHE: Ah, alright. Yeah, I think they count too.
HE: Of course.
SHE: Okay so, I don’t really know how to explain it, but sometimes I’m in such a sensitive state, where I just feel extremely vulnerable, and then a song or a poem can trigger a breakdown, or a breakthrough rather, and I cry my eyes out in a form of gratefulness of what I’m experiencing, of being able to feel so much, so strongly, deeply, with the world. The word ‘Weltschmerz’ come to mind. I feel raw sorrow and beauty and I levitate and just cry.
HE: Hm. Interesting. Do you feel light afterwards?
SHE: Yeah, I do. A good cry is always a relief.
HE: Yes. But, if you don’t mind, could you maybe try to describe how it feels inside you, in these moments? What’s the sensation within? If you can - -
SHE: Oh, that’s a tough one. I’ve never tried to - -
HE: Yeah, if you’re able to put it into words. But it’s okay if you... I know it’s probably very difficult.
SHE: Well, I can try. Okay, so, (pause) I guess the feeling within when I reach this climax is basically like a form of existential orgasm. But that doesn’t say much, does it? Well okay, I... It’s like my chest empty completely, like it’s a hollow space which at the same time holds the essence of the entire universe. It’s everything and nothing. It’s not either or, but all, yet still just nothing. Yes, it’s a paradox that violates the basic laws and the very essence of Aristotelian logic, mind you, like (pause) think of it as emptiness having a form. And all this I feel it inside my chest, (pause) and in there, it feels like someone's squeezing out water from a wet cloth. And I know, it’s going to finish soon. Soon there won’t be any more water in the cloth to force out, so I let go and just enjoy the squeeze and the last drops of water coming out before it’s all over and the cloth stretches out again. That squeeze is so intense, and pleasurable. It’s high tension, indeed. That moment just before the cloth’s about to stretch out feels like an internal vomiting. Like I vomit inside my chest. But a beautiful vomit. (she laughs) Yes, like I’m vomiting pure beauty. Vomiting love. And to me they’re definitely holy, these moments.
HE: Okay. That’s interesting.
SHE: Mm. What’s interesting?
HE: No, I just find all of it interesting. I’m curious on how other people experience these kind of holy moments.
SHE: I see. Oh well, I think what you might be asking for, this feeling of holiness and being one with the world in a specific moment, can be defined as what Freud coined as an “oceanic feeling”. Although, 'oceanic' indicates tension-free, and 'oceanic feeling' is basically an experience resembling a calm state of existence, as of a fetus in a and healthy womb; a gentle bliss. Where as the vomiting of beauty, like the squeeze I just talked about, is high tension and can rather be described as yeah, a vomit (pause) or a volcanic feeling. (excited) Actually, I think I’ve read this somewhere. I can’t remember where exactly, but the words ‘oceanic’ and ‘volcanic’ followed by ‘ecstasy’ comes to mind, and isn’t it quite a clear, conceptual definition of a holy moment? Like, the intensity of ecstasy range from 'oceanic' to 'volcanic'. Watching a sun rise is not as intense as orgasming but both experiences make you feel connected (pause) to the world and to all living (pause) things, in a way. I guess it’s a feeling of belonging, and the beauty in belonging is that you sense there’s a purpose to your existence and that in turn is what makes us happy in the long run. So on the ecstasy-scale, what I just described for you with the wet cloth in the hollow yet intact space within, was, I guess, basically volcanic ecstasy.
HE: (laughs) Nice. But okay, I get it. That’s not bad.
SHE: Volcanic ecstasy? (laughs) Yeah, no, It’s amazing! I mean, it’s meaning. Purpose. Anyway, for me, this usually happens when I accept something that’s been bothering me. Like, the song or the poem or whatever it’d be I’m exposed to, is piercing my shield and forces me to admit to my fear. I admit something I’ve been trying to suppress, and I’m finally verbalising it (pause) internally, at least.
HE: You surrender.
SHE: Yes. Yeah, for example the last one I experienced was at a time when my biggest fear, my deepest fear... or wait, I’m not sure I want to share this. Wait.
HE: You don’t have to, it’s alright.
SHE: Yeah, but at the same time, we’re like socially programmed not to share our fears, I mean, we don’t really know each other you and I, and it’s a vulnerable thing, right? Although... (pause) Okay, so that’s basically why I hesitate, but honestly, I don’t feel vulnerable sharing this with you. I have confidence in both you and in this conversation, and I want it to continue, so I will tell you what it was, my deepest fear, at that point in my life when I last had an volcanic ecstasy (pause) episode.
HE: If you want to share it, I’m glad to hear it, really, but don’t feel pressured.
SHE: Yeah, no worries, I want to. Basically, my deepest fear was for sometime a fear of never meeting someone who'll love me, and who I'll love back. Never finding true love. And I listened to a song when I came home from a rave after having been awake for I don’t know how long, and the song was so incredibly sad and beautiful, and some of the lyrics went: “You would never reproach me” or ‘judge me’, you know. And then: “You wouldn’t turn your face away. You would look at me through the light rain”. And I finally admitted that I’m so scared of never finding that person. What if I never get to experience that kind of trust. Love, inevitably. And I know it has to start with me, that I have to love my self first, before any love can be unconditional, and I’m still a bit ashamed that I want that love with someone else so badly, since we should not want and long for it so, we should be able to feel that the love for one self is enough, and that life can be good, and great even, without a partner. And listen, I do want to feel that self love first and foremost, but still, I want that other love too, real badly. I feel like I’ve been waiting for so long. And it was such a relief to finally accept that longing, to embrace it. It felt so good to admit that I simply want to find love and have a boyfriend, and that I don’t just want to be strong on my own.
HE: (long pause) I’ve also thought about that - -
SHE: Hm?
HE: Not finding (pause) or experiencing true love with someone. (he looks at her) I fear it too.