LOVE LOVE is a two-part dialogue series written by Tina Henriksson. The two dialogues 'Love as beauty without any dirt or darkness in it' and 'Longing' discuss trust and vulnerability (love inevitably) and they take part in clubs in Berlin, year 2019.
LOVE LOVE
pt. 1
Love as beauty without any dirt or darkness in it
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On a Sunday afternoon in early April, year 2019, a thirty year old woman and a ten year older man find themselves having a conversation of great depth and meaning to them both. She senses that through it, she’s fulfilling a part of her purpose on earth since the only thing she’s sure about in life is that she’s destined to speak about love and relationships, in one way or another. And it appears as if he can’t get enough telling people who seem to understand, what a great love he's blessed with, what richness life has brought him through a woman he knows he will love forever, but, with whom he seems to recently have reached a crossroad of some sort. It’s twenty degrees and the breeze has over the recent days gone from chilly to almost warm. Summer in Berlin is around the corner and the two of them sit in the sun at a club with a garden on the canal, and there they're celebrating the changing season, love and freedom, together with the queer and the beautifully quirky (and half naked) individuals, who around them are moving to rhythms of deep house and disco. What follows, is the conversation taking place between them.
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HE: She has ‘this thing’. ‘This thing’ is forever impenetrable, and it must be. We keep ‘this thing’ to ourselves, you know. I cannot reach hers, and she cannot reach mine, you know? SHE: Wait, what do you mean ‘this thing’? What ‘thing’? HE: Us! I mean, ‘this thing’ is what is us. It’s her soul. My soul. SHE: Ah, yeah. No, of course. Maybe integrity is to always keep ‘this thing’ to ourselves. Although, I’m not sure if that’s integrity in its right meaning. Maybe true integrity is actually the opposite. Maybe integrity is to fully stand by a decision, even a decision of an ultimate exposure of our privacy; to be completely vulnerable, inevitably. I’m not saying it’s necessarily a wise thing to fully let your guard down, but aren’t you curious of what could emerge through it? I don’t mean with anyone of course. But with her. If you love her, and she’s strong as you say, maybe this is the next step on your journey – maybe it’s what you have to do. HE: No. I cannot do that. I will never be able to give away myself completely. Some things are just for our selves. SHE: What do you think would happen if you gave yourself away? HE: Oh, I don’t know. I just know I can’t see it ever happening. I don’t think she would give herself away either. Or, she might be closer to something like that. Actually, maybe she would. She is probably more prepared to expose herself in the way you're talking about — more than I am anyway. I just know that I can’t. I wouldn’t. SHE: You don’t want to. HE: Exactly. SHE: I understand that. And maybe you shouldn’t. Maybe we shouldn’t. I’m just thinking: I want to do it, one day. If we only have one life on this earth, I must know what it is to be completely exposed to someone else, to see what would happen, what could come out of it. Shit. I wish I will meet someone one day that I feel I can really trust, you know. With my life, so to speak. Do you trust her? HE: Yes, I do. SHE: That’s good. That’s beautiful. But, do you hurt each other on purpose sometimes? HE: Ehm. Yes and no. Unfortunately, it happens. But very seldom, and we know when we do it, what’s going on. SHE: Okay, I understand. It happens. But you’re aware. Do you have humour? HE: Have what? SHE: Humour? Do you laugh? HE: What? I don’t… SHE: Do you have humour, in your relationship? Do you have fun? HE: Oh, humour! (laughing) Oh, yes! A lot! Yeah, we laugh a lot! SHE: Okay, nice. But of course you do. HE: Yes, she is very funny. Very clever. SHE: (pause) I think you will be fine. You will find a way. HE: Yeah, yeah, I know we will. SHE: I think the key is patience. To be patient with the pain. HE: Oh, but there’s no pain. It’s not painful. SHE: What? What do you mean it’s not painful? Of course there must be pain. Are you saying you don’t feel pain with her? HE: No, of course I feel pain. But not now. It’s not so much pain in this right now. We already went through pain, oah! It’s been really painful before. Believe me. There was pain. SHE: Oh, yeah okay, so you’re beyond it. I get it. You already gone through the pain, and love, and all those heavy emotions and now it’s maybe just… static. HE: Yeah. It is. It’s static. I guess you could say that. SHE: Ah, wow, so you have this static, dense kind of mixture of all emotions of your past experiences, that you live in right now. And the patience of not knowing what’s going to be, how things will unfold, is now your companion in this static tension. Shit, I wonder what it’s like. It must be pretty intense. But also cooling, in a way. HE: Yeah! It’s… It is what it is. SHE: Well, I’m not entirely sure of what I’m talking about, to be honest. But, what if you could look at it like the desert you told me about? HE: What desert? SHE: The one she walked through. The one she said was too beautiful - - HE: Oh, the desert - - SHE: - - yeah, the overwhelmingly beautiful salt desert in Bolivia, with the mirrored sky, that was too beautiful – provokingly beautiful. And you told her to accept it for what it is. Without any dark or dirt in it. HE: Yeah. SHE: Maybe that’s what you have to do with the static mix of your accumulated emotions in your relationship with her. Don’t try to make it into something, see if you can surrender to its perfection, and let hours and days pass without making any decision. You will know eventually, when it’s time to move. To move with her, or to move alone. And if you decide to move with her -- maybe you should contemplate your fear of letting your guard down. It might turn out, you have nothing to fear. Really. But what do I know? HE: Well, what do I know? (laughing) SHE: But anyway, (amused) if you do fully expose yourself to her, don’t hold me accountable for any outcome! I’m just - - HE: Oh no, of course not. Of course I wouldn’t. SHE: Yeah, it’s your responsibility. (laughing) HE: But of course. SHE: Ah, well, whatever you do, just be careful with each other. HE: There’s no other way.